How People Change by Marion Solomon

Author:Marion Solomon
Language: eng
Format: epub
Publisher: W. W. Norton & Company

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How Children Change Within the Therapeutic Relationship

Interweaving Communications of Curiosity and Empathy

Dan Hughes

RECIPROCAL INTEREST AND care are wonderful things with regard to good conversations as well as to good relationships. The world of each person is both known and felt by the other. It is hard to imagine a good relationship that does not develop and thrive without good conversations. It is hard to image good conversations that we might have with a person over a period of time that do not lead to a good relationship. There is a strong consensus that the therapeutic relationship is at least as important to the outcome as the specific model of therapy employed (Norcross & Wampold, 2011). There is an equally strong consensus that one of the most important components of a therapeutic relationship—empathy—has a central place in successful treatment outcomes (Elliott, Bohart, Watson, & Greenberg, 2011).

It is next to impossible to separate acts of empathy from acts involved in being with the child in discovering the nature of herself and others in her world (Elliott et al., 2011). Curiosity represents the open and engaged stance of the therapist who, jointly with the child who is coming to trust the process, is in the act of coming to know the child and her experiences of the events of her life. This stance represents the core of the social engagement neurological system that is central in our coming to know ourselves and others (Porges, 2011). The therapist’s curiosity activates the child’s curiosity about her relationships and her life. The therapist is communicating to the child that it is safe—going along with the mind of the therapist—to wonder about shame and doubts as well as pride and joy. The therapist’s curiosity facilitates the child’s integration and development of her reflective mind so that she may begin to make sense of her world and begin to explore its challenges and opportunities (Siegel, 2012). Cozolino states that “children need their parents’ curiosity about them as an avenue of self-discovery” (2006, p. 322). Children in therapy need the same from their therapists.

This chapter specifically focuses on good conversations, relationships, and how curiosity and empathy facilitate the development of both between a child and therapist. When they develop, the therapy leads to significant change for the child, and, possibly to a lesser extent, for the therapist. But this process may be difficult for the child and hence for the therapist. Being known? Many children would rather not be known when they anticipate that the adult will discover that they are lazy, dumb, selfish, or bad. Being cared for? Many children would rather not evoke an emotional response from an adult when they anticipate it is likely to involve anger, disgust, pity, ridicule, indifference, or dislike. So children in therapy often hesitate to have their experience (and their self) be known and felt by the therapist, and so they avoid reciprocal conversations. They distract, ask repetitive questions, remain silent, disagree, and simply don’t listen, again and again.

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